Who Ever Said Loving You Was Easy?
by Alitan
Summary: Loving your boss is hard, loving Gibbs who isn't over his first wife is even harder. Leave it to Toni Dinozzo to do just that. AU Girl Toni, obviously Toni/Gibbs.
1. Chapter 1

It's hard.

Toni wouldn't be able to put a specific time if people would ask her when it started hurting so much. Loving the person you can never have, who you KNOW you can never ever have isn't easy. Loving a person who happens to be Leroy Jethro Gibbs is just asking for a whole new set of heartache.

Oh, and said person also happens to be her more often than not bastard boss.

Stupid is not one of the words that would describe her as a person. Falling for the four times married boss? Now THAT is stupid.

Toni Dinozzo doesn't fall in love. She knows what love does to people, seen it first hand with her parents. How could a person like Gibbs second B for bastard capture her heart when the guys who have so much more going for them can't?

Seeing him at work is barely bearable. Seeing him with his redheads is like knife in her heart. Especially when she knew he would never go for her. She wasn't a redhead, she was a co-worker, a subordinate at that, and most of all he still wasn't over his first wife.

She acts like an idiot at times but she sure as hell isn't stupid enough to think that he would ever love anybody as much as he loved Shannon. She was the dead wife, and in everybody's eyes she would always trump all the girls that came after her.

Working with him was fine, as long as he didn't get too close to her then ok, she can still function.

She doesn't know what she'll do when the time comes that just being in the same room with him would become too much.

She loves NCIS, it's the longest job she'd ever had. And along the way it became her home. She doesn't want to leave her home or Abby, or Ducky or even Tim and Ziva and she doesn't want to leave Gibbs.

The only way she could still keep her job is to put distance between her and Gibbs. Dating a lot also helps. Which brings her back to her present situation.

Toni was feeling pretty down, seeing Gibbs and knowing she can't have him does that to her, so she decided that tonight seemed a good time as any to meet new people. Her friend from New York set her up with the guy she was meeting today. That would probably mean he came from money, she might not be in good relations with her dad, but she still kept in touch with her socialite friends.

She was wearing her classic LBD and her favorite red pumps. Her hair was fixed in loose curls that framed her face and there was just a hint gloss in her lips. That was it, she looked decent enough for the date.

As she was leaving the house, she suddenly realized something, she never asked her friends what the guys name was. They just told her to be at the restaurant at 8 and her blind date would approach her. Damn!

"God, I just hope he isn't a freak." But she wasn't counting on it, it would be oh so typical that her date would either be bastard or a freak.

_Sometimes Toni you could be so stupid, it's no wonder that Gibbs would never go for you._

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Review Please! Only constructive criticism allowed, no flames.


	2. Chapter 2

Toni was running ten minutes late, she seriously hoped that her date would still be there. After the week she's had she deserved to have some fun tonight, especially tonight. Seeing Gibbs leave with yet another red-head was a real blow to her ego. Hopefully this guy would be up for some fun.

She doesn't get it. Gibbs can be extremely nice and sweet, well maybe just to Abby and when she was still alive to Jenny as well. Whenever it's Abby's birthday he would always take her to dinner and give her the most thoughtful gifts. The most she's gotten out of him was a dinner with the rest of the team and even then he would usually be the one to leave first.

Toni loves Abby, she really does. She's the best friend that you love immensely but secretly jealous of. She and Gibbs are extremely close and sometimes Toni doubts whether their father-daughter act is just that or if there's something more there. Something more romantic perhaps?

Anyway she doesn't like thinking about it, it makes her nauseous. The thought of the two of them together would hurt a hundred times worse than whenever she sees him with another red-head. Worse because she loves Abby and she could never do anything that might hurt her. Worse because in the back of her mind she's always thought that the two of them would be good for each other.

Abby's smart, she doesn't annoy Gibbs as much as Toni do. They can even read each others mind sometimes, and then there's the whole sign language thing that only the two of them can understand. She probably also isn't included in Rule 12.

What's a Toni Dinozzo compared to her? Sure she can be considered smart, but never at the level of Abby's. And unlike Abby she has a 1000 and 1 issues that Gibbs wouldn't want to deal with. She's annoying, obnoxious and considered by the whole NCIS, Gibbs included, as the girl who sleeps around. Well She does, but not as much as she makes it sound like to people.

It's hard to show the world what your capable of when they already have a clear image of who they think you are.

Toni was startled out of her thoughts when she suddenly realized that she was at the restaurant already. It was one of those upscale restaurants.

Yep, her date is definitely loaded, hopefully his ego isn't.

Five minutes later and one seated Toni Dinozzo was completely speechless.

She couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"Oh my God! You set me up!"

She never thought she'd ever see this person again, not after what happened between her and her dad.

"Well, I've been wanting to talk to you since you graduated from Ohio, but somehow you always manage to disappear every time I mention it to one of your friends."

His name was Nathan Holmes. While Toni was growing up in New York he was their neighbor. He was also her closest friend before her dad sent her away. He was the cool older guy that everybody had a crush on. Including her, but he always treated her as a little sister and he acted like the protective older brother that scared away the monsters under her bed and as she got older from the boys as well.

They kinda lost touch between the ever-changing boarding schools and Ohio. She last saw him during her graduation day and they only talked briefly He and his family had been good friends with her dad when she left, and through the years Toni has been avoiding anything that might tie her back to him. Unfortunately her close friendship with Nathan suffered because of her need to get away.

"You still look beautiful as ever."

"An your still the charmer, as always." He could always make her blush.

" Look I'm sorry I didn't get to stay for long at Ohio. I had a business meeting and-"

"It's ok Nathan. I should be the one apologizing. I haven't exactly been the greatest friend since I moved."

"You've been hard to get a hold of these days, almost like you were avoiding me."

He looked accusingly at her when he said that. Now Toni felt even more terrible. God she missed him.

" How'd you get the others to go along with your plan anyway? Blind date my ass. If I'd known it was you, I wouldn't have taken the time to dress up so much." Toni not so smoothly avoided the topic. It wasn't something she wanted to talk about just yet, besides she wanted to enjoy their time together. Telling him why they haven't seen each other in years would do the complete opposite. That and the fact she wasn't sure when they'd see each other again.

" They're worried about you Toni!"

" Why? I'm fine!" Worried about her? She couldn't have been that transparent right? She thought she was doing just fine covering up her heartache. Apparently not.

" They say your killing yourself with that job of yours. Never looking like you've gotten enough sleep. Always getting hurt. And your boss. Don't get me started on him!" Yeah like she said, he filled the role of a protector. Her protector.

He looked angry. His protective streak was showing again. Guess he never got over it. But she was getting angry too! Getting hurt is a part of her job, it's not like she purposely does it. The sleeping part is entirely her fault, not because of NCIS.

"Hey! Don't go around saying stuff you have no idea about. I love my job!"

"You love getting hurt?" He snorted.

"It comes with the job. Besides it's not like I didn't get hurt in all the other places I've worked at"

"Yeah! But your medical record shows that your injuries in NCIS are equal to all your other injuries in Peoria, Philly and Baltimore combined!"

She couldn't believe it, how could he know about that? Unless he…

"You've been spying on me!"

"Well you sure as hell wasn't gonna tell me. I watched you grow up Toni. I care for you.. a lot. And I used to think that you cared for me too, but you haven't contacted me n years! The only way for me to still know how you're doing is through this. Your friends are worried, I'm worried. They told me you've been distant for the past year. Why? Why are you pushing away the people that care for you?"

There was genuine hurt in his eyes. Everything he said just made her more guilty. It was true that she's been distant with her friends. But in the past year cases after cases had made it impossible to spend more time with her friends. Especially after the whole Jeanne fiasco. The distance started during that time. She'd been so busy keeping the team together, learning how to deal with people that didn't think you were worthy for the job, and doing the Directors bidding. Everything just escalated out of control.

A small voice inside her head also said that she didn't want them to see her during that time. Didn't want them to see her and the screw she'd become. She got enough crap from the team and didn't want to add her friends to the mix as well.

But God knows she missed them.

"It's been a hard few months. I didn't know they were worried. But I swear I'll go and talk to them." She really would. She may be a screw up according to her team but damn if she'll let the same thing happen to the people that have always been there for her.

"Good. They're worried enough to have called me." He gave her his trademark smirk that always got the ladies falling for.

Just then their food arrived and she dug right in. Having emotional conversations always made her hungry, just like now.

"Toni." He was looking at her with those intense green eyes of his. And he had that look that made her feel like a kid that got caught doing something she shouldn't. It was a look she was very familiar with.

"Yeah?"

"Don't shut me out again. I'm your friend and I need you to let me act like it again. That means not waiting for a decade before we have dinner again, or to just talk."

"Alright." She could do that. She would do that. She didn't want to screw up the second chance given to her by this man that had always protected her. Even during the times she didn't want him to.

"I mean it ok? I miss you and care for you too much to wait that long. And if you pull the same stunt again, I'll drag kicking and screaming from your office. Don't think I wouldn't "

"I believe you." She honestly did.

"Good."

They continued eating in silence after that. But it was the kind of silence that grounded her, made her feel like herself again. She realized it's been a while since she felt that. He always knew how to help her even when she didn't know she needed helping.

While they were getting inside his car, she realized she hadn't said the most important thing yet.

"Nathan?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm sorry and thank you for tonight."

"I know, I wanted to try the food here anyway." He gave her that stupid smirk again.

"And I missed you too." He just covered her hand with his. It was enough to let her know that he understood and that she was forgiven.


End file.
